Greetings rockstars, Glee fans and Home and Away addicts. Weโre back for our second-to-last recap of Luxe Listings Sydney where we pick up on the Vaucluse-auction-cliffhanger from last week.
If you remember, the quote was $14 million-plus and bidding had quietened around $17 million. Our man Simon is bidding on behalf of a girl named Sue, who hated the wardrobe but loved the view.
But after all that build up weโve got a quick resolution for you on this one, itโs not to be – not for Sue anyway – the bidding goes off and Team Cohen is out somewhere in the high $19 million range.
The hammer drops at $24.6 million, with this now grabbing the record for being Australiaโs most expensive home ever sold at auction.
โIf someone wants to be the idiot that overpays, thatโs their problem,โ Simon says, although we are sensing he has already moved on before spitting his dummy into the delightful waters of Sydney Harbour.
(Side note: We believe that TRGโs Evan Williams and Ray White Double Bayโs Craig Pontey still have the other auction record for a block of apartments that sold back in 2017 for $33 million …)
Anyway, if thereโs one thing we can rely on from personal experience thereโs nothing like a shopping trip to get us out of a funk; so weโre happy to get out of Vaucluse and head over to Paddo for a visit with Gav and his tailor.
Gavin is weighing up the idea of a yellow suit. Yellow rhymes with mellow and given all of the tension boiling around the โShaniโ situation, itโs probably not a bad thing.
Anyways, according to the tailor, “no other agents are wearing yellow” and now we canโt help wondering if heโs the same guy that convinced Josh Tesolin to wear a pale pink suit to AREC this year.
Anyway – speaking of Shani, she interrupts Gavinโs deliberations between the golden wheat and eggnog shades of yellow via the phone.
Sheโs having a few dramas because heโs promised someone stuff will be done in a week, and apparently, her magic wand is on the blink.
He tells her to get it done and she snaps back at him like an angry teenager whoโs been told she canโt go to the Billie Eilish concert because she came home late last night.
She tells him to calm the farm and weโre sensing an explosion about to take place.
Right now weโre praying for Shani and something light-hearted like a single date card. Where is Osher when we truly need him?
Our wishes are granted and weโre temporarily out of the Gaza strip and into Simonโs beemer, where he is talking about how passionate he is about building young peopleโs success while Liam (#FreeLiam) is picking lint off Simonโs jacket by hand.
They are heading to Queen DโLeanne’s new listing in Bellevue Hill.
Our Queen is throwing Daniella in the deep end today and we see her raking the backyard in six-inch heels.
But thatโs not all, our Queen tells Daniella she is going to be โrunning pointโ on the tour; and Liam will be playing lead buyer’s agent in the battle of the assistants.
Our Queen points out that Daniella will be representing her so she has to get it right.
No pressure.
And Daniellaโs pitch to Liam isnโt totally awful, just slightly shy of mild verbal diarrhoea; a bit like reading 13 paragraphs of listing copy on REA, when all you want to know is if it has air conditioning and room for a pool.
DโLeanne: The only way you can oversell a house is by talking too much.
Us:
Anyway, weโre loving the dynamic between mini DโLeanne and mini Simon because Liam has clearly been to the Cohen Handler School of Duckery and knows how to unpolish every turd.
โThis is all custom-built,โ Daniella gestures to the kitchen aโla The Price is Right.
โItโs a shame it’s not very nice though,โ Liam quacks us up, as always.
Simon thinks Daniella is lovely and enthusiastic but doesnโt think she will last (Simon clearly knows something about her acting ambitions, soโฆno surprises there). DโLeanne thinks Liam is too much of a mini Simon; potato, potah-to, yada, yada, yada.
We head outside and Daniella continues to overshare and informs us that the trees are heritage listed, so there goes any plan for a pool.
โI think they bring a sense of spiritual magicalness to the home,โ Daniella says.
Simon talks numbers and says he will chat to his buyer but nobody is convinced.
The magical trees just havenโt sold us, either.
So, onto a house thatโs a bit more us, โThe Hamptons Houseโ with TRG.
Itโs a six-bedroom, four-bathroom new build that will make your heart sing for just $10 million.
Gav, call Simon: This is way better than Bellevue Hill.
It has a wine cellar, pool, 5m kitchen bench, leather handrails and is straight from only the best Pinterest boards.
Cae and Remi are doing the final touches before Gav rolls in for his video.
All of us are buzzing straight into the walk-in robe of our dreams. Gav wants more Louboutins in the wardrobe.
Us: same, same same.
While we are still dreaming of shoe heaven, Gavin is telling us that nobody markets like him and to prove it, he has flown his videographers in from Brisbane for the shoot.
Which makes us wonder who heโs using at the moment with all of the COVID things stopping the crew from travelling from Queensland.
Maybe theyโve convinced GB and AP they are an essential service like the NRL.
Who knows โโยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ.
Anyway, Gav tells us more about how great his marketing is, Elite Agent finally gets a minuscule (2.7 milliseconds) cameo in the showreel, and then it’s time for Remi and Cae to hit the lights and the locks.
Although there is more talking about last weekโs mouse-gate between Gavin and Shani.
Cae: Did they have a little biff?
We love how understated Cae is but it feels like we’re heading toward something way more monumental… like the blowout between Athena and Nicole a few years ago on the The Real Housewives of Sydney.
A reminder in case youโve forgotten:
(Any chance we could have a Season 2 crossover?)
So, itโs back to Double Bay and Simon has stopped picking lint and has delivered on the most wonderful thing we have seen so far on this show, apart from the shoes: Olly, the cavoodle puppy.
And to add some joy, the big blue bow around his neck matches the blue of Simon’s beemer. Lifeโs good, and Jen seems happy with the furchild instead of a grandchild – for now anyway.
Keeping the parents happy seems to be a theme of this episode with Gav heading to catch up with his dad for a beer.
Colin the pharmacist is a true gentleman. Proud as punch of his son and he isnโt afraid to show it. We love Colin. Colin reminds Gavin that he was a good dancer at school and Gavin says he doesnโt have time for that stuff now.
Colin tells him he should make time, and we canโt help but agree with him. Gavin says thereโs no one special in his life like a gf or anything like that so maybe Colin is going to need a cavoodle soon tooโฆ
Anyway – Simonโs grabbed the passport again and he is back OTB in Cremorne Point in a five-bedroom, four-bathroom harbourfront home with its own private jetty sitting around $13 million.
The polite small talk between North Shore Queen Claudia Portale and Simon is loudly interrupted with the arrival of Simonโs client, who sounds like she might have just done the Cremorne Point walk in six-inch Jimmy Chooโs to get to the showing instead of finding the front door down a hidden back-street (like normal people).
โSIIIIMMMMMOOOONNNNNNN.โ
โSIMMMMMMMMOOOOOONNNNNN!โ
โEvery now and then you get a client thatโs a little out of the ordinary, youโve just got to go with the flow, right…โ Simon feels he needs to explain all of the yelling to us because even he knows that nobody raises their voice like that on the North Shore.
Anyway, Tamara from Russia finally makes it to the elevator in all her purple coat fabulousness but looks let down already.
Tamara only sees grey, grey, grey, boring, boring, boring and she says it all looks a bit sad.
Claudia tries to show her the view again and Tamara just looks unimpressed and says โnietโ to all of it. She needs more gold and tells Simon money is no object.
So the moment weโve been waiting for has arrived – Gavinโs birthday party.
Now, if only we could grab Mr Shue and Rachel for some kind of Glee-style singalong/mashup for the drive up to Home and Away (Palm Beach) territory to take our minds off whatโs no doubt about to go down…
Mr Shue: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, shorty, it’s your birthday…
Rachel: You know we belong together…
Mr Shue: We gonโ party like itโs your birthday…
Rachel: You and I forever and everโฆ
Anyway, there are no singers, no glee, no glitz, no glam, no Home and Away extras – itโs just a tent with cushions but we are sort of here for the boho-chic.
Everyone starts arriving and for the first time we meet some of the TRG WAGs, so it looks like some of them do have some semblance of a life outside of work.
Arriving single though are Olly, Cae and Caeโs cardi – but the three of them are probably too busy for relationships as they are still vying for that $50,000 Bunnings voucher from Episode 2.
Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions but again we can sense a storm on the horizon and the drama lamas are definitely on their way over.
Gavin says to Shani, โCan we have a chat pleaseโ and we can tell itโs not for a romantic beach walk, and no one is getting a rose tonight.
Instead, they bicker about who said what to who, and what can be achieved in a week and what it canโt be.
It seems like Gavin has his own ideas of what someone else can do and they bicker about who is talking in what way to who and what is acceptable.
Ultimately Gav plays that old leadership trump card of โyouโre on my payroll and thatโs that,โ which is not something Simon Sinek would recommend but hey, this is not our show.
It’s glaringly obvious that this is a one-way train and youโre either on with Rubinstein, or youโre off, and there are no ticket refunds available.
Gavin: I put business before everything else in my life.
So thatโs it folks.
Weโre ending this Ep deep in tissues with an overwhelming sense of sadness and hope that the finale next week can somehow cheer up our broken hearts.
Nikki Horner is an Executive Assistant in the competitive and glamorous market of Canberra โ who has written for Elite Agent a number of times when a celebrity demands it.
Samantha McLean is the Editor of Elite Agent and is pretty certain everyone will read this piece with the love and humour it was written with.
